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You son of a bitch... [17 Jul 2008|01:12am]
[ mood | sad ]

I don't want to forget. I want to know. I don't want to know what could have been. I want to know what is. why that feeling will never be forgotten. why it eats at me and why i miss you so much when i shouldn't. why nothing is simple. and why we can't just be friends.

words have two meanings

i remember... [08 Jul 2008|08:58pm]
when this site was my escape. when life was poetry. then myspace came along and took all the beauty out of the world. now facebook. what ever happened to people expressing the way they feel? what ever happened to thought provoking ideas? i miss the simplicity of life then. even though the world seemed more complicated than ever. now i am faced with being an adult. and i don't want to. i see my mom as an adult, and she's not happy. not today anyways. i see most adults and all i see is struggle and jaded faces. that's not what i want.

is there a way to change it all? a way to go against the grain and scream FUCK YOU to all that wears us down? is there a way we can succeed as human beings but keep our care free essence? some say you can, but they go about finding childhood in the wrong ways. they take drugs or let their parents pay for everything and assume no responsibility of their own.

my goal this summer is to find a way to take charge of my life and claim that independence i've always dreamed of. My goal is to claim that with my five year old mind and dive in head first. somehow i want to work two jobs and go to college but still remember the feel of muddy grass between my toes or finger paint squishing between my fingers.

because i've realized that to grow up you don't necessarily have to grow up. if you forget then you are not an adult. you're just another shell.
words have two meanings

Sometimes fires don't go out when you're done playing with them [29 Mar 2007|06:54pm]
[ mood | restless ]

so i have lost a lot of people. and i have gained about the same amount. some would say that evens things out. it doesn't. lately i've been sort of just living to get by because i feel stuck. i'm not going anywhere and i feel as if everything has just stopped and i am the only one who has noticed it. i feel like nothing is changing no matter how hard i try to get out of this funk i'm in. nothing i do seems to work. it's fucking frustrating like you would not believe. i'm not complaining about my life. i have it really good. better than most. but there's something missing that i can't quite put my finger on. and no matter how hard i try to fill that void it doesn't work. i can fill it and fill it and fill it and it just won't stay put. it's bottomless i suppose. or maybe the bottom just always falls out for everything to spill out again. whatever the case, it's getting old. i need something exciting to happen in my life. everyday is exactly the same it seems. i wake up, go to school, go to dance, come home, eat dinner, pass out. rinse. repeat. i don't feel like partying because it's just not appealing right now. i can't meditate because i can't sit still for very long. writing this entry is taxing enough. i just need to find some peace somewhere and lately this valley isn't doing it for me. i need an outlet badly. i miss being at the beach right after a storm. everything seems so clear and possible then. there's nothing that can hold it back. it's like this huge storm hit and the beach was able to just take it and never falter. to have that strength when something is doing it's worst is...beautiful. i can barely handle anything anymore. i am so easily irritated and i find nothing pleases me for very long. restlessness seems to be my curse. i am itching to get away but to where? where can i go to find some solace and enlightenment. i just need a day to sit in the middle of a field or something by myself and just think and question and wonder and BREATHE. i need to discover myself for who i am and not who everyone expects me to be. i just need to be alone for a day. does someone want to take me away to make it happen? doubt it.

depressing i know, but it's where i am right now.
later for that.

peace. love. NIRVANA.

words have two meanings

stood up???? [15 Aug 2006|02:11am]
[ mood | confused ]

do people even use this thing anymore?

i hate how you can care about someone and they know it but they refuse you. like being your friend is completely out of the question. i just don't understand people. if you want something, don't be afraid of it. don't be afraid of the consequences. just jump in and go for it. take risks that aren't disastrous to your health. you might like it. i don't know what i'm saying. it's two in the morning. goodnight.

peace. love. NIRVANA.

3 know sometimes words have two meanings

max? is that you max? [08 Apr 2006|08:10pm]
[ mood | calm ]

that was extraordinary

words have two meanings

there's a hole in the soul and we're filled with dope/ and we're feelin' fine [18 Jan 2006|09:56pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

comment with your name
i'll tell you what
i love about you
what song
reminds me
of you

peace. love. nirvana.

12 know sometimes words have two meanings

i can still hear you saying you will never break the chain. [13 Jan 2006|04:15pm]
[ mood | bored ]

heyy everyone

so i'm going to Arizona for the weekend and i am unsure of what my internet capabilities will be
so, in light of that fact, please call the cell and leave nice messages. well they don't have to be nice. but it would be very agreeable if they were.

-----use it-------->634-8147<---------abuse it---------

i heard it's going to rain all day saturday. in arizona it's going to be hot. i want the rain

missing you already

loving conversing again

peace. love. NIRVANA.

1 know sometimes words have two meanings

let me stick my needles in [08 Jan 2006|07:07pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

wanna know what i hate about the human race? people sit there and complain and pick fights because they want something and can't have it. but then they just give up and lose willingly so they can look like a bunch of pitiful victims. they stop fighting for what they want because they don't want the stress or the anger. they just want to be happy all the time and they think that hiding from their problems is going to do that for them. i mean fuck half of the people in my life are like that. they just give up instead of fighting for what they want. sure it may look hopeless but there's always the chance that you'll get what you want. and why would you want to give up on a chance for something better? if people had the strength and the balls to fight for what they want then people WOULD BE HAPPY. you aren't happy when in hiding. it's all fake. it's all a mask. and ugly mask. everyone wears one at some point in their lives but enough of them grow up and face their own shit. but there's those people like my father that go their whole lives wearing this mask and the never accomplish anything of significance because they sit on their ass all day and wait for something to fall into their laps. i'm so tired of dealing with people like that. i love happy people, they are amazing. i admit i'm not the happiest person in the world but at least i don't give up when i want something better. at least when things get tough i don't back down like a fucking coward. i just want people to fight. at least the people i love. if they really fought for what they wanted, and not for the drama either, if they fought for the reward in the long run, they'd be beautifully happy. that's what i'm working towards and you know what i feel like a fucking race car with nothing but green lights ahead because of it.
sorry about my ranting and raving. not sure where i was trying to go with that.

school's tomorrow. joy...

peace. love. nirvana.

7 know sometimes words have two meanings

if there was a better way to go then it would find me [01 Jan 2006|04:05pm]
[ mood | calm ]

i hate these thingsCollapse )

4 know sometimes words have two meanings

suck you in like cigarettes while hanging you out to dry [28 Dec 2005|04:34pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

so it would be nice if shit were balanced
but it isn't
so eh fuck it right?
life is pretty good these days. winter break is treating me well as i hope it is treating all of you. got hooked up on christmas. been spending a lot of time with sara♥, nick♥, justyna♥, and matt♥. i miss the rest of you and it would be nice if you called me for plans -------------->634 8147<---------------- that is my cellular. use it. abuse it. parents are the same. mom = tight as fuck, dad = crazynaziassholetyrantmotherfucker.
things are falling into place somewhat and i'm deciding whether i should embrace it or wait for it to fall apart like it always does. any suggestions?
nah i'm gunna live it up. i'm tired of being afraid of what the consequences are for what i do FOR ME. i'm loving life so i'm going to stop hiding it. no one likes a sullen girl for too long ;)
not really much to say other than Merry Christmas/Happy Chanukah (sp? haha)/Kwanza...etc. and if i don't post before then, HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR!
love all around

peace bitch

4 know sometimes words have two meanings

my method is uncertain it's a mess but it's working. [11 Dec 2005|03:20pm]
[ mood | okay...nothing specific ]

i always thought that things work out better in the end. people are just unfair and imature and hurtful lately and i don't understand it. it's good to know where your true friends are i guess. it's good to know the people you can count on. i've been thinking lately that i need to find a new path to follow. one that you haven't walked upon quite yet. i'm going in a different direction anyways. might as well start brand new. Scary as it is, i think i'll be fine. i just request that you refrain from stealing my stoges from me from now on (whoever you are). i have good people by my side. i was hoping you'd be one of them but you're choosing otherwise. i'll deal.
i miss smiles with you and faygo. i miss candles and couches outside the diabetes center. i miss the rain. i miss centry 21. i miss swimming. i miss dinner and a movie with my parents. i miss easter and spring break. but it's done i guess. i haven't heard otherwise. so now it's time to finally get over life and move on.
and i thought it was going to get better. then it didn't. it got worse. right when everything was falling into place. so i dwelled on it for a while. hoping it was all just a dream. now that i am facing reality. i'll comply. as much as it saddens me at times, i'll do it.
so anyways. enough of that shit. i've been writing like crazy. some of it doesn't even make sence but it's pouring out of me. i can't stop it. i feel like it's all the things i never said throughout my life just bursting out. it's theraputic sort of.


haha good times.

anyways, just wanted time to speak and hope i'm heard.

peace bitch

2 know sometimes words have two meanings

[29 Nov 2005|05:12pm]
[ mood | irritated and somewhat sad ]

love (luv) n.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.

long time no...write i guess. life is ok lately. nothing really exciting. shit's still the same. i'm tired of people expecting shit from me. i have never been one to deal with pressure well so people have just been irritating me with their shit. be it my parents or friends or whomever. the shit gets old. other than that, as i said, shit's the same. can't wait for christmas. been taking pictures like crazy though i won't post any because it's too much work and i am a lazy_bum (yeaaaaa brittany).

grounded till i get my grades up. so by next report card i'll be able to chill again.

if you wanna chill just call me

992 1577

peace bitch

2 know sometimes words have two meanings

[05 Nov 2005|12:43pm]
[ mood | smiley ]



6 know sometimes words have two meanings

keep me caged and free the beast [29 Oct 2005|02:18pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

The bars are always open - and the time is always right - and if God's good word goes unspoken the music goes all night... Collapse )

words have two meanings

[ mood | bitter/sad/wanting peace ]

just here to clear the air...or at least give my side of the story.

lately i've been skeptical/silent when i would used to speak/distant from all around me/who witness me fail and become weak/life is overwhelming/heavyy is the head that wears the crown/i'd love to be the one to disappoint you when i don't fall downCollapse )

4 know sometimes words have two meanings

[17 Sep 2005|09:58am]
[ mood | sick ]

how long has it been since i've written on here?
i find myself slowly slipping into the land of myspace and it saddens me
school has begun
it's a weird feeling but, i actually missed it
just the feeling of having all the people i love around me at one time is...euphoric
as much as all of you hate it
i think it's beautiful
my teachers are kickass...minus my geometry teacher but whatever
i have met some wonderful people in the weeks that have passed
life is just agreeing with me lately
and it blows the mind
i've been taking pictures like a mad man

here's a few that make me happy

the rain is here and you my dear are still my friendCollapse )

9 know sometimes words have two meanings

[22 Aug 2005|01:08pm]
[ mood | blank ]



check that shit out<333

words have two meanings

[16 Aug 2005|09:29am]
[ mood | artistic ]

back from camp
i missed you all so much!
please call me
p[arents took the cell away for bullshit reasons
so call one of the casas
lovely mommy's house: 992 1577
asshole faather's house: 992 4214

please call me if you wanna chill
i don't have any of ur numbers anymore so
leave them for me in ur comment please!!!!!!!

Distant Loves.

words have two meanings

[07 Aug 2005|10:09am]
off to gay ass camp
call my cell and leave me messages
be back saturday
634 8147
words have two meanings

who's that casting devious stares in my direction? [28 Jul 2005|08:59pm]


mama this surely is a dream...Collapse )

5 know sometimes words have two meanings

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